Where is My Womanhood?

Today I am laying myself out there. Bare. For all to see. At the risk of facing judgement from some, I have to be completely honest. I have to put this into words or I may explode.

My friend met with her Dr. today, and it was determined that a double mastectomy is the best course of action along with a possibility of chemo and radiation therapy.

I WANT to say that my first thought was of gratitude, because her prognosis is one of hope. But I can't. I am ashamed, I must say that my first thoughts were much more shallow. I kept thinking of what will be missing after the surgery. If it were me, how would I handle this?

I have always thought of myself as un-selfconscious (is that a word?). I don't spend a lot of time on my appearance. Most days I get up, wash my face, brush my hair into a ponytail, and throw on whatever comfy clothes are clean. I save the make-up for those rare "dates" I get with my husband. Only sometimes does it occur to me to look in the mirror before walking out the door. It just isn't that important to me.

Or is it?

I was shocked to realise the importance that I have placed on a woman's breasts. Whether subconscious or suppressed, I'm not sure. But now that I really think about it, it makes sense. My breasts serve many purposes; they are a source of nutrition for my babies, a source of pleasure for my husband, they are one of the distinguishing features that make me different from a man.

It shouldn't be important what my physical body looks like. For some reason though, it is important.

I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that my friend is facing a life-threatening disease. I know that her life is in God's hands, and that He knows every intimate detail about what she is going through. My heavenly Father knows every intimate detail of my heart, and He will walk with us through this.

And that is the comfort that I need to come to terms with the revelation of my own shallowness.